Wow… another year is ending again. Every year I always look back through all the memories that had happened and it always amazes me how different I am from the beginning of the year compared to the end of the year. Fortunately, the difference that I see in myself are for the better, for the most part. With that being said, I’d like to think that as I grow older I become a better person who would eventually know herself and accept her no matter what. 2019 was a very eventful year for me. It came with heartbreaks and disappointments, challenges, regrets, depression and sadness, but also good and happy memories to cherish forever.
Heartbreaks in 2019.
As someone who has never been in a committed relationship, one would think that I shouldn’t have heartbreaks. But the thing is, that is exactly where the heartbreak is coming from. It frustrated me to the point that I second guessed my worth not even just as a woman but also a person. It made me think of myself as unworthy and irrelevant. Everyday, I see people getting engaged, getting married, having children and even just posting pictures with their partner. It made me envious and bitter because I’ve never experienced how it feels to have someone like that.
The frustration was also because of my ‘keep-to-myself’ personality. I get frustrated with myself because I get too scared to open up with other people. It takes so much time for me to warm up with someone. I am so closed off that even though I want to get closer to someone I get scared and shut them out easily. It takes so much effort from a person to make me feel comfortable that no one has ever exerted effort to break through. They would try at first, but then they get tired of it, decides it wasn’t worth it and just move along with somebody else.
Regrets in 2019.
As much as I wanted to say that I don’t have any regrets in 2019 because “it made me who I am today”, absolutely NOT. I had so many regrets that if I was given another chance to live through 2019 one more time, I would take it and change so many things. I took so many things, people, opportunities, relationships for granted. I got too comfortable that I didn’t realize that I was losing them slowly. I never really fully understood the saying “you never know the value of something until you lose them” until it actually happened in my life. I didn’t realize how good Life was offering me until it just stopped and got tired of constantly trying to shave it on my face waiting for me to grab it. If only I wasn’t too shy, too focused and too consumed by the wrong things and paid more attention to the things that mattered, my life would been so much better and I would have lesser regrets. But there’s no use of sulking about these regrets anymore because time machine doesn’t exist and we can’t change the past. I can only learn from it and say ‘better luck next time!’
Sleepless nights in 2019
Pretty much my whole life, I’ve always had times when I couldn’t sleep because of so many things. But this year, some sleepless nights were so unforgettable in my mind because they were all full of worries, tears and doubts. The uncertainty of my future kept me awake every night. I struggled on choosing the career path to take. I think about the mistakes and poor decisions that I made. They would overwhelm me just by thinking of them that I would just feel the tears on my cheeks. I also have this habit of keeping all my emotions to myself instead of expressing or sharing it with someone and so it just accumulate that cause me to have breakdowns that no one ever knows about. I know people around me that I can lean on, but not to the point where they would listen to my life problems and actually care about it because we all have something to deal with so I choose to just keep them all to myself.
Depression and Sadness in 2019
Depression and Sadness are two of the things that were so hard to deal with. Sometimes it eats me up that I just let myself get sucked in to it. They even give me comfort to feel that way which is weird. It almost like my comfort zone. There are time when I would suddenly cry so hard but I have no idea why and what was happening. I feel exhausted, alone, unnoticed, irrelevant, and unimportant. My mind would get filled with self-doubt, and self-hating thoughts. I hate the feeling but i’m afraid that I am getting used to it. I never could get myself to open up about this things because I might come up as being over dramatic. I just choose to isolate myself so no one could see me suffering against my own self like that.
One thing that I choose to do to help me get out of this dark feeling is getting away from my usual environment. Which is kind of funny because normally to feel unsad, people would choose to be with people and socialize. I would have a long drive by myself to somewhere I had never been before. It helps me get connected with myself and just unwind. It’s good for me even though it’s only temporary. One of the reasons for this might also because whenever situations get difficult and uncomfortable that require me to be vulnerable I choose to get away instead of facing them. I isolate myself from everyone that I know. I choose to be alone because that way no one would hurt me and I wouldn’t get disappointed by anyone.
Disappointments in 2019
Most of the disappointments came from myself and my poor descisions. They are goals that I thought I was going to achieve but then I didn’t. They are people that I spent so much energy but turnt out not worth it. They are unmet plans, failure to gain enough self-esteem, I don’t believe in myself as much. The fact that I worry about people’s opinions even though I try not to. They are my need to please people. They are unmet expectations from people that I shouldn’t have expected anything from in the first place.
But I just choose to look at these disappointments as necessary experiences that will help me make better decisions next time. They are lessons, Life’s tough love so I could be a better version of myself.
Achievements in 2019
On a good note, 2019 is also full of achievements. One that I am proudest was getting my first real job. I literally thought I wasn’t going to get a job until I get my college degree. I suck at interviews, I can’t talk and process thoughts when I get nervous so I thought no one would hire me. But then after a couple of job rejections, I finally got myself a job. And surprisingly I like it. I can also feel that it helps me gain some confidence with talking and having conversations with people. It also helped me realize how difficult to earn money which made me wiser in spending money.
I also finally decided which career path to take which I struggled in the last couple of years. First I took a degree that would please everyone around me. Then when it didn’t work out I chose something that I thought I would love but didn’t. Finally, I chose someone and i decided to stick with it no matter what happen. I chose to commit I think this time, it’s going to work out.
Another achievement is that I can feel my self-confidence and my ability to express myself improving little by little. Even though not completely, I feel that I care less about what people think of me. I do things more for myself and to make me feel good about myself, not more about impressing people and waiting for their compliments. I don’t feel the need to explain my decisions and, let alone, myself. I let people wonder and make their own conclusion about my life without being bothered by it. Privacy is better than popularity or being relevant.
Hopes for 2020
My main hope for this year is contentment. I get that I have dreams and goals that I want to achieve but I want to feel contented of what I have in the moment. I don’t want to be constantly be looking for something better because I know that, that could be really exhausting. I want to be contented with myself and not compare my story to others. I want to be free of caring about the expectations that other people have set for me. I want to achieve the amount of self-love that I deserve to feel. I want to find my worth and actually believe it.
I also want to travel as much as I can. Those times that I travelled, especially when I go by myself are my favorite moments of 2019. It just felt so good and makes me feel so free. It was nice to find and discover new places. It felt so liberating to know that no one around me knew me. I didn’t have to worry about anyone or anything. It felt like I could do everything even without help from anyone. No one could disappoint me and no would disappoint me. It was simple and worry-free. I loved it and hope to do it again in 2020.
I also want to be wiser this new year. Wiser with every aspect in my life; wiser with choosing the people that I allow in my life, the people I spend time with, people that I exert effort for. I want to be wiser with my health; be more careful of what I eat, be more dedicated with my fitness. I want to be wiser with handling my feelings and emotions, especially with how I express them. I want to be more open with people, bot as closed off as I noticed I was in 2019.
I also want to be more sociable, discover new things that I’ve never experience before. I want to go out of my comfort zone more often. Break bad habits and form good new ones.
However, these are all just words that don’t mean anything unless I do something to make them happen. I just hope I get to accomplish most of them. I hope I come out as a better person at the end of this year.
I’m really curious what this year would bring me. Let’s do this, 2020! ♥️