Random Thoughts 3

Open Letter to the Person who Thought I wasn’t enough,

Yes, maybe you’re right…

I’ve had my heart broken a couple times before because I kept on bring stuck in unrequited feelings and they kept on making me think  that I was not enough and that I was not worth it. I kept on asking myself, what’s the matter?, Is there something wrong with me? Am I that ugly? Or am I that boring?… I didn’t really find out the answers until I got tired, decided to stop asking and just accept the fact that maybe it is not meant for me to find someone who’s going to accept me for who I am.
But then you came into my life not thinking that we were going to be friends or even acquainted. Suddenly, it just happened. We said Hi, then we talked, shared hugs and laughs, a couple of awkward conversations but its good. Slowly, I was starting to feel worth it…enough. I felt happy whenever I talk to you or even when I was just with you or seeing you. You begin to get my trust and I started feeling safe with you.

I was already getting a sense that we both feel the same way. That someday, maybe we’re going to be enough for each other. But nothing happened. We had really good talks one day, then another we don’t. There were times that I thought we were getting near on the beginning of something good, but then we didn’t. Well, maybe the sense that I was getting is not real. And that really makes me sad.
For a while I really thought I already found someone who would think I’m enough and I am worth risking for anything, someone who I would figure out this world with, someone who would fight for me.

But I was wrong. I am still not enough.

What saddens me the most is that, the person who I thought would prove to me that what I think about myself was wrong, is actually the person who was going to ultimately confirm it. You never took the risk to actually be honest and tell me the truth. Each chance that you decided to let go for me to know the truth, the stronger it reinforces the thought that I am not worth risking for anything and that I don’t deserve to know the truth. Because no matter how you indirectly make me feel that you like me or at least care about me, I will never know what you truly feel with mere guesses.

But then, maybe that’s what I deserve.

Now I’m going to start again. I will try my best to close this chapter of my life that has another tragic ending focusing only on the happy parts and the lessons it taught me. And after this chapter, I’ll try to accept that it’s not meant for me— that meeting someone who would think that I am worth it, worth risking for and that I am enough only exist in my wildest dreams. Maybe it feels sad right now, but as time goes by, perhaps, I will get used to it and eventually my longing for that feeling will be over.

Sincerely,

Someone who is trying

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