How come most of your writings are so sad?
Someone once asked me this question and I literally didn’t know how to answer or explain why. But now is probably the perfect time to think about why because, once again, these random thoughts are barging in mind and I thought about one thing that probably the reason why.
Often, what I portray to people when I meet and talk to them is my happy, smiley, and even the quiet side of myself. I try to appear strong and be the one who hear and listen to their problems and, as much as I can, try to comfort them and give advice of what I think is wise for them to do. I rarely do the talking part and rarely let them see my sad side, self- doubting and negative thoughts (except probably to my closest, closest friends). But even with my closest friends, it is so difficult for me to show all of my personality and open up my problems even though I’m dying to share it with them just to free my chest from these heavy feeling. I don’t freaking know why. Well, probably because I always think that no one actually cares, no one gives a damn, and also maybe I often find it hard to search for the exact words to describe how I feel. I don’t want to be perceived as a dramatic diva who only thinks about these negative and sad things. I fear the judgement that might come my way and even though I know that I should never care about what other people might say or think, I can’t help it, I still care and I still choose to let them affect myself.
So then, because of this annoying anxiety (I guess? LOL), instead of sharing my sad thoughts to other people and expect them to understand, these overwhelming thoughts are piling up in my mind. Then they invade my mind whenever I’m left alone or at night, when I’m unable to sleep. I choose to play with words, turn them into poems and short paragraphs to express and release these thoughts from my mind that I keep from other people. It is almost a therapy for me because it makes me feel better and feels like I am letting go a bit of heavy feeling in my chest every time I write. Also, in writing, no one else is there to judge my thought process, so I get to focus on my side that I often find hard for people to understand.
Andddd…. I guess that’s my answer. Does it even make sense? LOL.