Have you ever wished that time machines weren’t just in fantasy movies and comic strips but actually real, then use it to come back to a time of your life when things that you are currently trying to live through do not exist yet? Have you ever thought about wanting to change your decisions from the past just to escape the consequences of the choices you have made? Have you ever felt so scared of seeing the ending of a chapter in your life that you never wanted to end that you just wish it never even happened?
Every day in my life, I deal with this habit of overthinking. I always ask myself the reasons for my choices. I always think of different outcomes that would have happened only if I had chosen a different decision. Whenever I get the chance to be alone by myself, I constantly think.
Those decisions… they were results of my desire for happiness. That very moment, when I decided, I believed that somehow it is one thing that would lead me to a feeling that I wanted. They were results of an overwhelming curiosity of “what would happen?” and “where would this bring me?”. They were results of the fear of missing a possible exploration of a new scene. They were results of wanting to discover a new part of myself that I have never seen before.
Those decisions… they indeed made me happy, there were even times when I couldn’t sleep at night because of too much happiness, I couldn’t stop smiling. I got what I wanted. They led me to feel something that I have never known before. I discovered a version of myself that I did not know ever existed. I found answers to questions that I was not able to answer before. I sure got to see a glimpse of a scenery that I have never visited before. It felt like I made a right decision. It slowly became one of the main source of my happiness that I eventually fear the time when I finally lose it.
However, I was so into the idea of the happiness it gives that I forgot about other things which are inevitably connected to it. There is this thing called uncertainty where you do not know if ‘this’ or ‘that’ is going to happen. There is also this thing called inconsistency where today ‘this’ is happening, tomorrow ‘that’ is going to happen. Disappointments are also a thing, where you wrongfully expect ‘this’ to happen but only ‘that’ happened.
Or perhaps I also forgot that I too has to give something in return. Maybe its my fault. Maybe I forgot that things would not always turn out the way I wanted or envisioned it to be, especially when I am too scared to go out of my comfort zone. Maybe I forgot that I as well has to defy my fears and take risks in order to achieve the best outcome. Maybe I was so contented with the (temporary) happiness that it gives that my decisions unfortunately became centered only for my interests. Maybe I became selfish and forgot that it is not all about me.
As I am writing this, I am feeling it. As hard as it is to accept, it feels like I am losing it, slowly. The once that was inconsistent but fun and real is blurring out. The once that was uncertain but exciting and nice is disappearing. The once that was sometimes disappointing but overwhelming and thrilling is fading out. It is crashing me to pieces. It is all I think about whenever I’m alone. Silence is indeed louder when your mind is in rambles. It drives me crazy because I can do nothing to make it stop. No wonder why I thought about getting on a time machine to change these decisions.
To change those would make my life simpler, that is what I think every time the thought crosses my mind. I would have been still my old self — the one who was not confused of this strange thing that I have found, the one who was certain that she knew herself, the one who was hoping but was not anticipating or expecting. It would have been easier to go through each day of my life. Topics of my habit every night would not have added another one.
But then I thought, aren’t those the purpose of it all? Perhaps it all happened to make me realize that there is more to a life that I am already very used to, that there are a lot more to explore and to be tried, to make me see that a bit of confusion and uncertainty is better than a simple and only steady life, that there is more to an old daily routine, that there are more things that could make my days seem more lively and would unlock the happy emotions, to give me lessons that will make me a better life competitor, and would make me realize that there is more to discover in myself.
So maybe now is not the time to regret those and maybe I should not regret anything for it already happened. I already made those decisions and it certainly gave me a genuine feeling of joy that I will never forget. Maybe it is the joyful journey that I should focus on and not on the ending outcome that is different from what I had hoped for. Also, if it all did not happen, I know that questions of “what ifs” would forever taunt me. Maybe it is not the disappointments that I should focus on but the happy memories, and lessons that I obtained. Maybe it is now time to accept that time machines are not real and that all I can do now is accept and move on.
Just maybe.
GEIA 